Dear reader,
This blog is meant to nourish, comfort and inspire you with pictures, links, stories, humour, and a whole lot more.
Feel free to e-mail me for a private talk about whatever appeals to you.
If you want to know for what reason I started this blog, and how I turned my anxiety into energy, read my first blog about it
(last link under july 2013 on the right). To infinity and...... beyond! D)

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Still holding on

108 days without clonazepam now and still holding on. I also reduced my lexapro since four weeks from 15 mg to 10 mg, which feels much better.
Had a very rough time, was complete out of balance but the good thing about anxiety above depression is: you have to keep on moving!
So I sought help, because I can't go on this way, with these terrible moodswings (anxiety for whole days, you just want to die).
But luckely there is balance now...

Friday, 27 October 2017

Two months now, since my last dose

Two months without clonazepam, and there have been some real bad periods, with severe anxiety attacks and depressive episodes. I found it very hard to go to work, with this dark dark secret.

It was extremely difficult not to use clonazepam, because this benzo has always been my safety net. When things went worse, there was always this little pill. But now I couldn't  escape from myself...

I cried a lot, felt terribly lonely and wanted to be dead.
Everything came back, I felt as bad as 15 years ago, my darkest periods. I had thoughts like: I have to live with this for the rest of my miserable life, I'm totally  useless etc. etc.

BUT: now there are friends who know what is going on with me, and I don't have to hide from them how I feel. And a partner that is ever so sweet. And support from the benzobuddies on the internet.

This is NOT the end for me. I'm feeling so much better now. It's not only the quitting with clonazepam. It's also stress because of my current job that is really bad for me, and a very sick father, and the menopause and the rapid aging. It was just too much.

Wednesday  I went to a supporting group in my town. That was soooo comforting. I'm not alone! There are so many people with anxiety issues. And they actually understand what I feel, and I understand them. It was a very safe and pleasant environment to be. So many beautiful and vulnerable people together in one place, living in a society that is so demanding, with so much stress.

I was very impressed by all their stories, their struggles and above all: their courage. They give me hope. Hope to fight the little ghosts in my head.

Sunday, 16 July 2017

How Clonazepam saved my life and why I can never use it again

I now have reduced my dose of clonazepam to 0,125 mg and very very slowly I want to go to zero.
When my anxiety and depression were at their peak, this stuff did save my life. But I shouldn't have taken it for so long.

Once every three months would have been OK I guess, but now I became so addicted that it will take alsmost a year to get off (and no garantees it will work at this first attempt.) But I find a lot of comfort in a site called benzo buddies, where there are many people who agree that clonazepam (klonopin, rivotril) is one of the worst benzo's to get rid of.  My head is getting clearer so that's helping me to keep on reducing. I know that once off I can never use it again. It's like any addiction. I can not go back.

And sometimes these days I do feel like this:

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Beware of clonazepam!

For many years, when anxiety attacks are at worst or when I need to sleep, I took clonazepam (rivotril). Never longer then three days in a row, and I never needed more of the stuff. So I thought I was not addicted....

But: it takes a long time to get out of your system and after four days of using nothing at all I got really sick. Severe panic attacks and depression. More and more I realized this wasn't me, but a sort of cold turkey. 

Then I read the Ashton manual about benzodiazepines and that really scared the shit out of me. Decennia of studies had proved that it is extremely difficult to get off benzodiazepines, esp. rivotril, even when you take small doses like me (0,5-1 mg) it has terrible side effes, for example memory loss (I had) and it can even cause permanent damage. 

The most succesfull way of getting of benzo's is very very gradually.
With difficulty I convinced doctor and drugstore that I wanted to diminish my dose from 0,25 mg over two weeks with 10%. Then 10% of that dose and so on.
Two weeks wasn't possible, so now it's four weeks, and allthough there's scientific proof for more than 25 years now, the pharmaceutical industry refuses to put the importance of gradually deminishing in their manuals and insurrance companies refuse to compensate. In more than 40 weeks I hope to get rid of the damn stuff and that will cost me at least 1000 euro.

Nevertheless, I'm looking forward to discover my real self again.

Bloody hell, most doctors, even psychiatrists really don't know what they are talking about!

Sunday, 5 March 2017

It lasted three months

Last week I felt more and more unbalanced en depressed. After one (really) better day, it eventually collapsed: my depressed mood led to an anxiety attack.
In my previous blog I doubted if I should deminish my AD, today I doubt whether I should increase the dose. Definitely unblanced.
Is it the weather (long winter)? The menopause? Just fluctuations? The complexity of today's world (complex as ever, but thanks to social media and the internet more dominant).
Things smell and taste strange, I am terribly confused, my memory sucks and I can't connect to people, including myself.
I excercise, I eat healthy and I think that sometimes I really can accept the fact that
THIS IS MY LIFE: 20% of the time I feel good. That's more than nothing. It 'll have to do.

Saturday, 28 January 2017

More than a month now, since my last anxiety attack

And my last attack was a little one, that didn't went all the way.
Of course it immediately made me doubt my medication. Can I diminish the dose?
Or do I feel relatively good because I started to take vitamine D?

Anyway, it's a very very line between feeling OK and feeling totally depressed. People who are always walking the good side, really have no idea.

Je zorgen maken is de verkeerde kant op fantaseren