Dear reader,
This blog is meant to nourish, comfort and inspire you with pictures, links, stories, humour, and a whole lot more.
Feel free to e-mail me for a private talk about whatever appeals to you.
If you want to know for what reason I started this blog, and how I turned my anxiety into energy, read my first blog about it
(last link under july 2013 on the right). To infinity and...... beyond! D)

Monday, 29 July 2013

How I turned my anxiety into energy

Dear reader,

This webblog is meant to 'nourish', comfort and inspire you with pictures, links, stories, humour, and a whole lot more. I've just started, so give me some time ;) but feel free to e-mail me for a private talk about whatever appeals to you.

Below I'll explain how it all started.

For as long as I remember my anxiety level was sky-high for the greatest part of my life. A part of it is probably genetic, the other part is caused by trauma in my childhood. Anyway: that doesn't matter to me any more.

What mattered to me, is how to cope with it. How could I cope with almost every day waking up feeling tremendous amounts of fear running trough my veins. It made me desperate, depressed and wishing I was dead (one of the last taboos to say out loud, by the way). How to cope with the glass wall between me and other people when sinking away in deep deep lonelyness. How to prevent myself from ending my life?

Apart from my partner, nobody knew. From the outside there was nothing to see: married to a great husband, good job, have definitely my own talents, but when not working... it went wrong... The weekends, esp. sundays were a disaster.

About 1,5 year ago I went to a clinic to let them run a full diagnose. It lasted three weeks and I was never so sick in my entire life. I seriously started thinking about ways to end my life. I saw no other solutions anymore. Years of therapy and lots of therapists and medication; I still kept on "sabotaging my own life" and was not able to end it.

My psychiatrist noticed to his astonishment that my anxiety level seemed to elevate during that three weeks and that the intake in itself seemed the cause of it. I'm now referring to it as "a negatieve traumatic experience".
And I realised that I had to protect myself from it, because it was making me sicker. They told me they could "break me down and build me up, but without any guarantee". Moreover: I had to do yet ANOTHER test, because they weren't sure if I was suited for the treatment because of my high level of anxiety. I asked what to do if the outcome was negative (not suited) and their reaction was: "sorry, there's nothing we can do for you then."
I walked outside, where my husband was waiting for me. First I was flabberghasted and then enormously mad. Screw them! How dare they give up on me!

One week later I met a man who's mission it is to give people "positive traumatic experiences". That (combined with the negatieve experience above) became a turning point in my life because it was "feeding my spirit" (instead of killing it) .
He just told a story about a working environment that was full of trust and creativity. And I realised that for a substantial part I had sold myself short. My anxiety gave me a tremoundous power to survive at work, but it had turned into a destructive mechanism and made me depressed when I stood (literally) still. From now on I would seek what was good for me AND my environment. I discovered that my anxiety could be turned into an enourmous source of power. Starting this weblog is part of that proces.

Enjoy the contents and feel free to respond.

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