So it's not abnormal to want be around people. My partner can stay indoors for weeks and still be balanced. I can't and that made me feel miserable and guilty towards him. Why wasn't he just enough for me? Why am I so depended? Why couldn't I listen to his (always interesting) stories anymore? Why has my anxiety risen sky high? The weather has been wonderfull and I'm surrounded by nature (birds, plants, a nice garden, a joyfull cat etc.). Why couldn't I just enjoy all this things? I can't read books anymore, or watch a movie. Everything causes panic and fretting now and I can't even hear, see, smell and taste things properly.
I did go out almost everyday (walking, cycling, swimming, shopping) but the only thing I saw were couples doing things together and that made me feel so sad and lonely and also jealous. My vacation had become an exercise in being on my own, and I was failing all the time. I felt guilty and inadequate.
Don't get me wrong: sometimes I really like to be on my own. I have a demanding job which involves a lot of contact with people. I'm a good listener and coach and people at work appreciate me. After work I sometimes really need to be alone for sometime. But this vacations...
Yesterday I even started a conversation with a neighbour, and I don't like to chitchat at all. But I was feeling so incredibly desperate that I felt I was going crazy.
It's all a matter of balance I guess.
I realize I really have to stop feeling guilty towards my partner. We're both better off if I make more contact with the outside world, instead of him having to deal with my mood swings and anxiety attacks. He can never do anything good (at least at this moment) and I'm constantly feeling guilty about that.
In about an hour I'm going to town for a free yoga lesson. I scares the shit out of me to do this (meet new people), but I have to be amongst other people to feel a bit normal again. I have to build my own social life outside my work. Turn anxiety into energy.