An old feeling and a new feeling at the same time.
I'm profoundly demotivated at work at the moment. I really don't like it anymore and I'm at at totall loss what to do. I play my part but I feel terrible all the time. There's no connection with people at all, and the least with myself. My weekends exists mostly of anxiety attacks and the rest of the week I'm just surviving. Getting trough the day. This world is too big for me to comprehend. To cope with this I'm splitting up again. That's the old way.
What's new is that I cry much shorter about it and that not anxiety but indifference takes over. I don't care that I don't understand things at work, because I hate to do them and I don't have the strength anymore to fight it. And maybe that's ok. Stop fighting is a step closer to accepting.
Nobody is interested in my struggles anyway. Like a neighbour said to me two days ago: I don't have that kind of feelings, I'm just an optimistic person. Well I'm not, you bitch and that's not my fault but I'll have to live with it. I'm so tired.