The last week of my vacation.
Yesterday one anxiety attack; depressed feelings. I feel lonely.
Went to bed with extra pills. Hoping for a restart.
More than three weeks at home now.
No swimming in the first week, because my friend had to study, my sister didn't answer my e-mail and did not call to go to the beach; an old new friend doesn't answer my e-mails and I dare not to call her if she want to go to a wellness centre. Tomorrow friends come to dinner, but only because I took initiative and pushed them (they promised weeks ago the should come).
I become more and more lethargic. Why go to the beach alone and see all the people having fun with eachother? I can't bare that anymore.
Yes I feel lonely, but I also refuse to live like someone who is totally dependent on others. Who is happy with stupid small talk with the girl at the supermarket because that's al the conversations I can get.
That's the problem of my life. I often don't feel comfortable with other people. I force myself to sing in a choir, to go to a barbecue at work and when I talk to these people, it's so about...nothing. So boring. And at the same time I'm longing for contact with people. Longing for good conversations, or just dancing and having fun.
Do I really want to be left alone? Or is it a state that I've chosen because people are never good in enough and always disappoint you? Including myself by the way.
Oh well, the question is: how do I go on from here? This is it, but wil it so stay the rest of my life?!
"The best of times, are the thoughtless kinds" John Cale sang.
He is so right, but you can't force that kind of times. Only by letting go. And for me that's one of the most difficult things there is.