I've had no anxiety attacks or depressed feelings for about more than half a year.
Until the day before yesterday. I woke up in panic, couldn't get up and all good stable feelings were gone in an instant.
It's hard to accept for me, for it seemed that the chemical balance I had found was perfect this time.
I was still alone - as I am most of the time - but I enjoyed my bicycle trips, the gardening, painting the house, playing with the cat, go shopping, making dinner, reading books.
My head was still full with thoughts but I could let them go by and I thought: so this is how it feels, when the balance is on the right side.
I read the book "Het menselijk lichaam" (Il corpo umano) of Paolo Giordano, and was impressed by the following words:
"He experienced something he already knew: that all the pain, all the grief, all compassion for other people is nothing more than pure biochemistry - hormones and neurotransmitters that are slowed down or not."
It's a very thin line. Just not restless or sad enough, just not empty enough. When seeing people together. Doing things together. Relax. Just having fun.
And two days ago it just attacked me. The emptyness, the lonelyness. No contact with other people than my boyfriend, who was very far away, that first two weeks. Nobody responding on my e-mails.
For as long as I can remember I have been alone. No friends, always on my own, with my fantasy.
Not comfortable with people (how do you make real contact? most of them are so superficial), and on the other hand: can't live without them. Is it weak to depent on other people? How many people can live the way my boyfriend does? Seeing no other persons than me for weeks, sometimes months.
I don't have kids to play with - yes I miss that -, not enough people around me to have decent conversations with, no one to go on a walk with and all contact with family leads to stress. If not from my part, then my boyfriends frustrated comments makes it stressfull afterwards.
I guess I lived somewhat in an euphoric state the last months because of the disappearance of the pain, loneliness and anxiety attacks. Now the chemical balance is on the wrong side again. And there's not much I can do about it. We're just a bag of chemicals. And that really sucks sometimes. When the balance is at the positive side, I really can hardly imagine how it felt when I was down. That's why I can perfectely understand why other people can't understand what's wrong with me. They simple never experience that kind of feelings, popping up with no reason at all. That it's sometimes imposible for me to get out of bed in the morning because of the miserable feelings I have. With no explanation. It just happens. Or not.
I can't understand why so many books are about lonelyness, empty lifes and endless repitition of things. On the one hand I think: there must be people who understand me. On the other hand I think: no they can't because I could never write this stuff, why are they torturing me and themselves?
I'm restless. Can't read books now.
Meditation I find in gardening. The repetition is sometimes comforting. Some rest, at least.