Two months without clonazepam, and there have been some real bad periods, with severe anxiety attacks and depressive episodes. I found it very hard to go to work, with this dark dark secret.
It was extremely difficult not to use clonazepam, because this benzo has always been my safety net. When things went worse, there was always this little pill. But now I couldn't escape from myself...
I cried a lot, felt terribly lonely and wanted to be dead.
Everything came back, I felt as bad as 15 years ago, my darkest periods. I had thoughts like: I have to live with this for the rest of my miserable life, I'm totally useless etc. etc.
BUT: now there are friends who know what is going on with me, and I don't have to hide from them how I feel. And a partner that is ever so sweet. And support from the benzobuddies on the internet.
This is NOT the end for me. I'm feeling so much better now. It's not only the quitting with clonazepam. It's also stress because of my current job that is really bad for me, and a very sick father, and the menopause and the rapid aging. It was just too much.
Wednesday I went to a supporting group in my town. That was soooo comforting. I'm not alone! There are so many people with anxiety issues. And they actually understand what I feel, and I understand them. It was a very safe and pleasant environment to be. So many beautiful and vulnerable people together in one place, living in a society that is so demanding, with so much stress.
I was very impressed by all their stories, their struggles and above all: their courage. They give me hope. Hope to fight the little ghosts in my head.